January 2012
Whitesnake, Here I Go Again On My Own
Because not...
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My Oscar picks, 1/24/2012
Longest Morning Pee-Pee
Alan Hanson
Best At Putting On Pants
Alan Hanson
Best Gallon Milk Drinker
Alan Hanson
Best Stoned Non-Sensical Tweeting
Alan Hanson
Best Daydreaming
Alan Hanson
Best Sexy Daydreaming
Alan Hanson
Best Super Sexy Daydreaming
Alan Hanson
Best Masturbator
Alan Hanson
Best Substitute For Lunch
Whiskey
Best Fake Girlfriend
Peppy Miller
Gil Evans, Makes Her Move
Drafts
What Do You Mean I’m Your Friend? You’re Too Pretty!
Coffee Shop Etiquette: Is Your Mouth Fucking Shut Yet?
Blondes: A Tutorial In Skipped Heart Beats
You, Hipsters, White People, & Internet Sketch Comedy
How To Never See His One Act Play (And Come Out On Top!)
3 AM Nachos, 3 AM Nachos, The Secret Lives of 3 AM Nachos
The Art Of Secret Smiles: Were You Looking At Me Or That...
Me: What's the name of this band?
Gabe: What?
Me: This is Jet?
Gabe: Yeah.
Me: Jet sucks.
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Joanna Newsom, Peach Plum Pear
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The Hard Things
Recently a soft and astute human being told me that a positive side to a bad experience I had was that it makes me uniquely qualified to help someone going through something similar. This was yesterday. And I couldn’t help echoing this thought in my mind as I listened to Todd Glass give such a beautifully unique and touching perspective on hiding who you are, being gay, and coming out, on...
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Top Ten Shots From Ferris Bueller's 'Twist And...
In chronological order.
The dancers appear.
Vibrating Man.
Polka-dot Top Shaking Her Butt.
Elvis Hands.
Goofy Cameron.
Fuckin’ party baby.
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
I like this dude.
Groovin’ Mr. Bueller.
The Maedchen who jumps at Ferris (and all other shots of the float dancers).
Tips for Sundance
Maybe you’re about to board an airplane to Park City, Utah to wait in movie lines and try to scope Michael Fassbender’s dongpiece IRL. Here is some unsolicited advice from someone very unqualified:
At a high altitude like that you can get rip-roaring drunk off four or five drinks. So, uh, do that. A lot.
That hobo is not a ‘producer’ and he does not have a...
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“There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against ignorance,...”
– Edward Murrow
I know another medium threatened to be banished to a scabbard when it is needed most…
“If you are homophobic and you’re out there, you better be positive...”
– Todd Glass on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast. Stop what you’re doing, if you can, and listen to the whole thing. I wish I could quote it all.
indieandyy replied to your chat: Your Do-Gooder Ex Is Coming Back From India
is this fiction or fact? if fact, verbatim or with liberties taken for humor?
This is approximately 98 percent fiction. I do have an ex who went to India for some time and she came back semi-recently and I’ve been wanting to write a humorous piece about what it would be like if she came back as a self-righteous...
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Your Do-Gooder Ex Is Coming Back From India
You: Oh, I didn't think you'd answer. I thought you'd still be on the plane.
Her: We had a layover. I'm at Dulles International right now.
You: Oh, well, um...
Her: What's up?
You: I was just wondering if you were coming through town on your way home, I still have some stuff of yours.
Her: Like what?
You: Some books and some jewelry.
Her: It's been a year. Do you think I care about that stuff?
You: Oh, I just thought they might be sentimental or expensive or something. I don't know.
Her: You and your possessions.
You: What?
Her: Free yourself.
You: Um, again, what?
Her: I've changed.
You: Oh.
Her: You wouldn't understand.
You: People are always saying that.
Her: ...
You: So, how was Bombay?
Her: Mumbai.
You: Come again?
Her: They don't call it Bombay anymore. I mean, you can, if you like stripping the Indian people of their independence and returning to the imperial rule of Britain.
You: I'm sorry, I didn't-
Her: It hasn't been 'Bombay' for nearly 17 years. I suggest you read a book.
You: Um, so, you don't want your stuff back?
Her: Free yourself.
You: Stop saying that.
Her: I built a school.
You: Anyway...
Her: What have you been up to since I left? Did you build any schools?
You: I um...well..
Her: Speak up. Make your words count.
You: I filed for unemployment. Is that what you wanted to hear?
Her: You know some people aren't lucky enough to have a government that supports them with welfare.
You: Right...well...
Her: But I guess it's pretty hard for you. You need that unemployment check to buy whiskey and Cheez-Its.
You: I've been writing a lot.
Her: And not building any schools.
You: OK. Well look, if you come through, Karen is having a going away party for Chris Keller and I thought you might want-
Her: To go to a party?
You: Yeah.
Her: And drink like totally fun mass-produced spirits? Wanna pick up some Smirnoff Ice for me? Want me to drink Smirnoff Ice for you? Just like the old times?
You: You drank Smirnoff Ice?
Her: I'm making a point.
You: I don't get it.
Her: Yeah. You don't. You never 'got' it. I can't talk to you. I have to boil drinking water before my next flight.
You: You're in an airport. Can't you just, like, find a water fountain?
Her: Just because the convenience exists does not mean you should take advantage of it.
You: Take advantage? Of...a water fountain?
Her: Don't call me again.
You: OK.
“And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment. I mean, it’s just stupid...”
– Man On The Moon
“I think you a very stupid person. You look stupid. You are in a stupid business....”
– Raymond Chandler, Farewell, My Lovely