December 2011
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Here are two things that happened, regarding Mica:
Mica and I went to see The Passion Of The Christ with a group of people when we were in high school. She cried harder than anyone in the world has ever cried and leaned on me and got my shirt wet so I held her hand because I didn’t know what to do.
Mica named her baby Siri approximately a month before the iPhone 4s came out.
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some twitter user: why do you hate wicker so much?
Zak Bagans: Cause it smells like Pier 1 imports and I hate baskets.
Anonymous asked: Why don't you have a girlfriend? You're pretty funny, intelligent, and talented.
Anonymous asked: How do you flirt?
Anonymous asked: i'm gonna buy you a shot of maker's and awkwardly flirt with you if i ever see you at a bar/show.
Anonymous asked: Why don't I have a boyfriend? I'm pretty, funny, intelligent, and talented.
davidseger replied to your photo: have to go see about a girl
Really appreciate the art you’re making today.
This means a lot to me.
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Dude-Bro watching Mullholland Dr.
2 hr 1 min.: This movie fucking blows.
2 hr 3 min.: This movie fucking rules.
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My son and I had a picnic today.
Son: What's that?
Me: That thing over there? By the fountain?
Son: Uh huh.
Me: That's a tandem bicycle.
Son: What does tandem mean?
Me: It means stupid.
Son: And what's that?
Me: A tree. Those are all trees over there.
Son: Who's that guy on that building?
Me: That big billboard?
Son: Uh huh.
Me: That's Justin Timberlake pretending to be Steve Jobs.
Son: Pretending?
Me: It's a movie.
Son: Who's Justin Timberlake?
Me: Justin Timberlake is a man we sometimes hate and sometimes love.
Son: Why?
Me: Well, at first, we hated him outright.
Son: Why?
Me: Hmm. I guess because he was in a vocal group with four other boys and at our young age this was what we called 'gay' but you don't say that unless it's really, really funny and appropriate, alright buddy?
Son: Uh huh.
Me: Anyway, he was in a faggy boy band and to make matters worse all of the girls our age were super into them. They couldn't give a shit about us when those dreamboats were whistlin' 'round. And we were just getting into girls, too.
Son: Girls are gross and mean.
Me: Yes. Yes they are.
Son: So when did you love him?
Me: Well, that took some time. You see, at the height of the boy band craze we also fell in love with a pop singer. Like idiots. We were in love with this woman named Britney Spears.
Son: Who's Britney Spears?
Me: It doesn't matter because she is dead now. And what did I teach you about the dead?
Son: They matter not.
Me: Good job, son.
Son: Can we play catch?
Me: I'm not finished with my story.
Son: Oh.
Me: So we fell in love with this now-deceased young lady and then you know what Justin Timberlake did?
Son: What?
Me: He took her virginity. Right in front of us like it was some twisted gameshow. Right out from under our noses.
Son: I don't really understand...
Me: But then we liked him, years later. Britney Spears ballooned and Justin Timberlake became cooler and cooler.
Son: How?
Me: I have no idea. I mean, when you have money you can get your suits tailored real nice.
Son: So you don't look like a shlub all the G-D time? Like you, pops?
Me: If this were a hundred years ago I would smack those tiny teeth out of your big ol' head so fast...But yes, I am a shlub.
Son: When did you start hating him again?
Me: Well he became much, much too cool. He was in all the awesome movies and he was banging, like, everyone. Just, insane amounts of attractive women. Have you ever heard that song "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against The Machine? Well it was like that but replace 'bulls' with 'justin timberlakes dick'. He probably even had no-no sex with Mila Kunis. Can you comprehend that, young man?
Son: No.
Me: And not just all celebrities. Women I knew. Women I had slept with!
Son: Like mom?
Me: Oh, definitely. There is no doubt in my mind that your mother at some point in her life slept with Justin Timberlake. That woman was a rancid nymphomaniac.
Son: I don't know what that means.
Me: Right. Anyhoo-
Son: Haha.
Me: Right?! Thanks.
Son: Anyhoo,
Me: Anyhoo, he started making a bunch of weird art like James Franco and now he's cool again and playing Steve Jobs in that stupid movie "The Big Apple" because this is the FUTURE.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
Son: What makes that clinky noise in the bottom of spray paint cans?
Me: Children's teeth.
Son: That's tandem.
Me: Bingo!
Son: I fucking love you, bro.
Me: Let's go snap into a slim-jim.
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Does anyone think about Der blaue Engel as much as I do?
garvs asked: I'm so serious about being able to win that show. I once flew out of LAX with no form of identification whatsoever. I believe I have what it takes to do it again. I also really like spy dramas.
New reality show offers two men $1M to sneak out... →
garvs:
centerforinvestigativereporting:
From our homeland security reporter G.W. Schulz …
ageofperil:
It’s almost 2013, so perhaps no one should be surprised that a reality show in the works would mimic the 1996 dystopian flick “Escape From L.A.” What’s chilling is that the show is not fiction and may in the end say more about the post-Sept. 11 surveillance state than anything else so...
November 2011
kiamatthews asked: Fangs Dunst
some things
Someone used my bank account to purchase auto parts in Europe and also some coffee.
The air felt particularly heavy today.
The owner of Hillhurst Liquor is a kind man.
“It’s getting stranger. Where do I have to meet this cowboy?”
In addition to a fascination with being a writer/detective I have now begun to enjoy, thoroughly, white wine. My transformation into fictionalized...
Anonymous asked: My boyfriend demanded that I not follow you because I was real into your tumblr, and he's a weirdo. I didn't listen because I like your posts and/or punishment. Keep up the good work.
No Age, Teen Creeps
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Last night I went to a really cool party where a lady played ‘Aerials’ by System Of A Down on a giant tribal drum. How does that make you feel?
Thee Make-Out Party!!!, 2EZ2LUV
I can nearly...
