July 2011
The Dismemberment Plan, The Ice of Boston
So I...
Just making some turntable burners with friends in... →
I’m getting drunk off OE”800” and channeling my Ford Ranger mixtapes from 2006. Trust and join, dudes.
Watch
June 2011
7 Bizarre Brain Disorders You Didn't Know You Had
Antibehrendts: A disorder in which you automatically assume anyone giving you attention is ridiculously attracted to you.
Meatabsentia: The inability to finish the ends of a sandwich when there is no longer meat or cheese between the bread.
Alcohol Addition: A disorder that causes you to perpetually order two more drinks well after you’ve had ‘enough’.
Gentleman’s...
headshots
lookedlikelaughing:
i could lie to you. she’s got soul and she’s super bad. there we go, did you feel that? i trimmed my nails politely to press you down and bed your thirst. what a cruel sleight of your legs and the skin that deceased in sheets of ice made tiny clouds that split my lungs with absence. i could lie to you and did you feel that? all the men she wouldn’t let in, of course they...
hipsterdiet:
Surfer Blood - Hey Sandy (Orig. by...
2 tags
We Didn't Know Anyone
It recently occurred to me that I was a lucky man and that funerals existed only in film. The epiphanies came simultaneously when I realized I had lived to age thirty-three and only attended two funerals during that time. The first was my mother’s father whom I had met only four times prior. His funeral is now shades of greys and oak that barely add up to half of a memory. I know from others in...
“Hollywood is wonderful. Anyone who doesn’t like it is either crazy or sober.”
– Raymond Chandler (via redvelvetteacake)
Anonymous asked: I wear high-waisted shorts and live near LA. Let's sing Sonny and Cher?
11:11 a.m.
Sean: Look, you didn't finish your Brass Monkey.
Me: Again?!
Anonymous asked: YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HARRY FROM ONE DIRECTION AND OMG THAT IS SO NOT A BAD THING
Will Sheff: Live at Cedars →
I was telling someone about this last night and figured someone might want to download it. Especially if you want to hear a beautifully sloppy, very inebriated, seven minute piano version of ‘For Real’.
Tracklist
Intro
Our Life is Not a Movie or Maybe
Girl I Knew, Guy I Met
Song of Our So-Called Friend
A Stone
Love to a Monster
Near a Garden
Song about a Star
No Key, No Plan
...
2 tags
Cap’n Jazz, Theme to 90210
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Knock-Knock Joke
A: Knock-knock.
B: Who's there?
A: (singing) Slowwww riiiide, ber berrr ber ber ber.
B: (singing) Slowwww riiiide, ber berrr ber ber ber (not singing) who?
A: (singing) Take it eaaasssyyyy!
This is a whispery post because I feel embarrassed about feeling this way but you can rag on Sonny and Cher all you want because they wore stupid clothes for most of their career together but I Got You Babe is a fucking jam and a half and while I was driving through my sunblasted neighborhood with all the windows down it came on K-EARTH 101 HD LOS ANGELES and I’d really like to have a rad...
Predictions
Cashier: Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?
Alan: Um, yeah, can I get...let's see here. I'll take one McChicken, a large fry...
Cashier: Are you stoned?
Alan: What?
Cashier: Are you high right now?
Alan: Um, yeah, like a little.
Cashier: Did you drive here?
Alan: What are you, my father?
Cashier: Did you?
Alan: I did.
Cashier: You shouldn't have.
Alan: I know.
Cashier: Have you been crying?
Alan: Why would I be crying?
Cashier: You look like you were recently weeping. You weren't?
Alan: Maybe in the parking lot just a little.
Cashier: Why?
Alan: I don't know. Existential crisis? The indescribable beauty of living? How concrete works? Take your pick.
Cashier: Those are all good.
Alan: Thank you.
Cashier: Anything else?
Alan: Can I get about fifty nugs?
Cashier: Fifty chicken nuggets.
Alan: Yep.
Cashier: You seem depressed. Are you depressed?
Alan: Of course I am. This is McDonald's.
Cashier: Then why did you come here?
Alan: Because I'm depressed!
Cashier: OK, stop saying that word now.
Alan: You started it.
Cashier: I know. But I'm sick of hearing it.
Alan: Me too.
Cashier: Will there be anything else today?
Alan: Um, well, do you have an application?
Cashier: To work here?
Alan: Come on, man. Be cool about it.
Cashier: There is a stunning blonde two people behind you. Are you sure you want me to hand you the application now?
Alan: I don't even care anymore, dude. Seriously.
Cashier: Well she must be pretty damaged anyway.
Alan: Right. Why is she at a McDonald's on a Thursday afternoon?
Cashier: Exactly.
Alan: Up top.
Cashier: Down low.
Alan: I needed that.
Cashier: You're welcome.
Alan: So...
Cashier: Um,
Alan: I...
Cashier: What kind of sauce?
Alan: Huh?
Cashier: What kind of dipping sauces would you like for the nuggets?
Alan: Oh. Alright, ranch, barbecue, honey mustard-
Cashier: You can only have two.
Alan: Really?
Cashier: Yes.
Alan: Fuck.
Cashier: I know.
Alan: Depressing.
Pavement, Elevate Me Later
Plants sun Magnolia...
yumwatch replied to your post: It’s a beautiful day and it smells like California summers
Yesterday I drank some jamaica and ate three huge carnitas tacos; pretty much the same thing I’m doing today. (Also, spliffs, video games, no bra.)
Carrie knows how to live radical 24/7. I appreciate that in another human being. Especially if they’re the opposite of deformed.
1 tag
It's a beautiful day and it smells like California...
I wish you could bottle that smell. Here are some suggestions for you if you have no plans today and don’t have a GD job:
Re-grip your skateboard and teach it new streets.
Horchata.
Mason jars.
Customize your lawnchair.
Your favorite book and your favorite square foot of grass.
Holler at young women with your windows open.
Holler at young men with your sunroof open.
Scoop ball.
...
2 tags
Free Travel Faster! Start earning free miles,...
On Wednesday Miranda left me. I must have seen it coming but now it is Sunday and I’ve been drinking professionally since I found the note and her vacant garage I had let her rent from me for free. Each morning after, which felt like Thursday morning each time, I would clean the bedroom and kitchen with my truncated hours of sobriety. This particular morning, Sunday, I found my bookshelf...
Dana: What do you MEAN I can't go to Alicia's Sweet 16?!
Mother: Dana, when I was your age we respected our parents' decisions.
Dana: You're stomping all over my social life!
Mother: I'm sorry, honey, but I'm trying to do what's best for you. When I was your age I wasn't even allowed to drive!
Dana: Yeah but you could fly! And roar! Don't you remember what it's like TO BE A TEENAGER GAWWWWDDDDDDD!
Mother: I do. But I'm a mother now and I wasn't then.
Dana: UGH YOU'RE SUCH A HIPPOGRIFF!
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new t-shirt ideas
plain shirt that says “Ryan Gosling made this harder for all of us.”
just a big can of arizona iced tea, am I right? right in the middle.
babes (this one has been used before but come on, re-up the classics).
dirk nowitzki pouring champagne on some tits and really enjoying himself.
keri russell from ‘8 Days A Week’.
an alien smoking pot with the moon.
Chronology of Wakeup Calls →
A list of every song ever used to wake up NASA astronauts in space.
