August 2011
Anonymous asked: your friend looks like the obey guy
2 tags
July 2011
1 tag
buildwritecut asked: Do you ever bring the party up to PDX or Seattle?
Elle Fanning 1 (for reference) →
1 tag
I Offer to Buy Elle Fanning a Drink in 2021
[Part 2, in a series]
[a hotel bar in Downtown, Los Angeles]
[Winter, 2021]
Elle: ...Alan?
Me: Oh. Elle. How are you?
Elle: I barely noticed you.
Me: Yeah, well, the hair.
Elle: The hair. I like it.
Me: What are you doing here?
Elle: I'm meeting with Woody in an hour.
Me: Aren't you a bit old for him?
Elle: But too young for you.
Me: I'm sorry about that. I was in, well.
Elle: A weird place.
Me: Sure.
Elle: Poor excuse.
Me: I'm-
Elle: You're sorry.
Me: Let me buy you a drink.
Elle: Just one. I really must be going.
Me: Dewars? Neat?
Elle: I've switched to gin. With ginger.
Me: There's a certain sadness in drinking gin.
Elle: A certain sadness? That's a laugh.
Me: Can I get a gin with ginger ale and a Dewars neat?
Bartender:
Elle:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: How long are you in town?
Elle: However long I'd like to be.
Me: We should get dinner.
Elle: Now?
Me: No, later this evening-
Elle: No. Now as in, after the last time?
Me: Look,
Elle: Ah. I read those poems.
Me: That's not exactly, I mean,
Elle: More desire discussion.
Me: Less and less.
Elle: Really?
Me: But different types, am I correct?
Elle: Of course. I can tell.
Me: You seem much older.
Elle: It's been two years. A lot can happen. There are a lot of books to be read.
Me: So, dinner?
Elle: Once you desired me because I was non-existent. Fictitious, even. You lusted after a wish. A notion to wish me into your life. Your Pinnochio.
Me: I can't be responsible for each corner of my head.
Elle: But now.
Me: Yes. Now.
Elle: Yes. Now, you see, it has changed. You want me now because I do indeed exist. And yet you still can't have me. Those are your favorite things.
Me: Fantasy?
Elle: Well what would you call it? What would you call this?
Me: This?
This: All of this!
Me: Right. But is it fantasy if it isn't fulfilling?
Elle: Imagination doesn't have to be pleasant.
Me: Should it be?
Elle: Who are you really asking?
Me: Can I have double Makers and Coke with no ice?
Bartender:
Elle:
Me: Stay.
Elle: I can't. Woody will be here any minute.
Me: What will I do?
Elle: Make it up.
Me: Please, stay.
Elle: No.
1 tag
5 Mistakes You Made While Submitting to Thought...
(and how to fix them)
Your article did not explain a unique pop-culture point of view in a simple list form (like this!). Solution: 1. People. 2. Love. 3. Lists.
You did not write an acerbic ‘How To’ guide for some common everyday task. Solution: Find something easy to explain because we’re done explaining difficult things. Bonus points if this menial task is slightly altered...
Methuselah
Me: What do you think Sean is doing?
Tony: Writing a memoir.
Me: About what?
Tony: Watching Jesus grow up.
2 tags
A Long Walk Down 32 Stale Carpeted Stairs Covered...
lookedlikelaughing:
you say i feel too much honey i want to feel your teeth one by one the meat you’d have left for me and the balls of your feet i feel too much as they knead the scratches on my back in our queen with the little pillows you could huddle obscene when he was out of town and i part the pages with ears full of sand to whisper i’m sorry that i feel too much and i want to be your...
Jen: Have you been to Hawaii?
Mike: Yeah...but...I got this shirt in the Valley.
1 tag
The Thing About Space Travel (Is Loneliness)
Everyone has a place. Everyone has a dewy park bench they’ve split halved-sandwiches on and traced pathways with their squinting eyes. Or a sewing room where the perfect stream of sunlight bifurcated your sweating body; alone with your books and your fantasies. Everyone has private, specific places. Places that are just for themselves until one day, and what we really hope for, they become places...
2 tags
Pangea, Blood, Blood, Blood
You should definitely...
1 tag
Me: (giant bong rip)
My phone: (ring, ring)
Me: Shit. Whose number is that? Fuck. It's probably that guy about that job. Fuck. OK. Calm down. (assumes an aware, clear, and professionally-firm voice) Hello?
My phone: Hey your pizza is here.
Me: OK. (walking down the stairs) I should put chili on this pizza.
Cum on my tits.
Have you noticed that anytime someone pairs the slang words for ejaculate and breasts that nine times out of ten it’s cum and tits? I’m sure someone has said ‘nut on my boobies’ before or even ‘splooge on my jugs’. Some ‘creative’ person out there has probably constructed some shock-and-awe version like ‘mayo-blast my nipple-party’. But...
3 tags
Jumbo's Clown Room, a Napolean wearing sunglasses...
Me: I guess it's pretty bright in here.
Him: What?
Me: It must be pretty bright in here for sunglasses.
Him: Fuck you.
Me: At least you look cool.
His friend: Do you even know who that is?
Me: Not at all.
His friend: That's Vespa.
Me: Vespa?!
His friend: Vespa. You know him?
Me: No!
His friend: Well you fucking should.
Me: I guess I'll hit the books tonight!
4 tags
I definitely do not want to be Ken’s buddy. Something about that guy…
1 tag
nedhepburn replied to your video: Twee as fuck but whatever.
how does she sound like an ancient lady from the Ozarks?
She sold her soul probably!
1 tag
jakec asked: Do you ever think about changing your last name to "Shemper" to be more like the hilarious fictional stand-up comedian?
1 tag
Ida Maria, I Like You So Much Better When...
1 tag
The History Channel
“On September 17th, 1997 advertiser Guy Bommarito for GSD&M Advertising was called to the home of Neil Armstrong. Bommarito, one of the agents working on an ad campaign for Armstrong’s line of military hats, arrived at Armstrong’s home around 9 PM. Bommarito found Armstrong distraught and intoxicated. Apparently, Armstrong wasn’t happy with the storyboards he was presented with earlier in the...
1 tag
2 tags
of Montreal, First Time High (Reconstructionist...
2 tags
Breaking Bad S4E1 "Box Cutter"
Everything must be sterile. Swab each instrument, each heart must be cleansed of itself and if there is something living in blood then what happens where blood once was where now mop streaks and trace amounts of evidence prickle coldly?
Death donned plastic clothes and made subtractions like our fractured child did just hours earlier leaving Gale exhaling from the hole in his face.
What I wonder...
Me: Who are these people?
Tony: Extras from a Criss Angel episode.
1 tag
1 tag
Me: You weren't French enough!
Sean: I ain't wearin' my moustache yet!
nomoreyellowlights asked: You wouldn't happen to know the best way to get my hands on a Naked Kids cassette, would you? This is a thing I would usually google, but I don't want to end up on any lists...
