My son and I had a picnic today.

Son:
What's that?
Me:
That thing over there? By the fountain?
Son:
Uh huh.
Me:
That's a tandem bicycle.
Son:
What does tandem mean?
Me:
It means stupid.
Son:
And what's that?
Me:
A tree. Those are all trees over there.
Son:
Who's that guy on that building?
Me:
That big billboard?
Son:
Uh huh.
Me:
That's Justin Timberlake pretending to be Steve Jobs.
Son:
Pretending?
Me:
It's a movie.
Son:
Who's Justin Timberlake?
Me:
Justin Timberlake is a man we sometimes hate and sometimes love.
Son:
Why?
Me:
Well, at first, we hated him outright.
Son:
Why?
Me:
Hmm. I guess because he was in a vocal group with four other boys and at our young age this was what we called 'gay' but you don't say that unless it's really, really funny and appropriate, alright buddy?
Son:
Uh huh.
Me:
Anyway, he was in a faggy boy band and to make matters worse all of the girls our age were super into them. They couldn't give a shit about us when those dreamboats were whistlin' 'round. And we were just getting into girls, too.
Son:
Girls are gross and mean.
Me:
Yes. Yes they are.
Son:
So when did you love him?
Me:
Well, that took some time. You see, at the height of the boy band craze we also fell in love with a pop singer. Like idiots. We were in love with this woman named Britney Spears.
Son:
Who's Britney Spears?
Me:
It doesn't matter because she is dead now. And what did I teach you about the dead?
Son:
They matter not.
Me:
Good job, son.
Son:
Can we play catch?
Me:
I'm not finished with my story.
Son:
Oh.
Me:
So we fell in love with this now-deceased young lady and then you know what Justin Timberlake did?
Son:
What?
Me:
He took her virginity. Right in front of us like it was some twisted gameshow. Right out from under our noses.
Son:
I don't really understand...
Me:
But then we liked him, years later. Britney Spears ballooned and Justin Timberlake became cooler and cooler.
Son:
How?
Me:
I have no idea. I mean, when you have money you can get your suits tailored real nice.
Son:
So you don't look like a shlub all the G-D time? Like you, pops?
Me:
If this were a hundred years ago I would smack those tiny teeth out of your big ol' head so fast...But yes, I am a shlub.
Son:
When did you start hating him again?
Me:
Well he became much, much too cool. He was in all the awesome movies and he was banging, like, everyone. Just, insane amounts of attractive women. Have you ever heard that song "Bulls On Parade" by Rage Against The Machine? Well it was like that but replace 'bulls' with 'justin timberlakes dick'. He probably even had no-no sex with Mila Kunis. Can you comprehend that, young man?
Son:
No.
Me:
And not just all celebrities. Women I knew. Women I had slept with!
Son:
Like mom?
Me:
Oh, definitely. There is no doubt in my mind that your mother at some point in her life slept with Justin Timberlake. That woman was a rancid nymphomaniac.
Son:
I don't know what that means.
Me:
Right. Anyhoo-
Son:
Haha.
Me:
Right?! Thanks.
Son:
Anyhoo,
Me:
Anyhoo, he started making a bunch of weird art like James Franco and now he's cool again and playing Steve Jobs in that stupid movie "The Big Apple" because this is the FUTURE.
Son:
Dad?
Me:
Yeah?
Son:
What makes that clinky noise in the bottom of spray paint cans?
Me:
Children's teeth.
Son:
That's tandem.
Me:
Bingo!
Son:
I fucking love you, bro.
Me:
Let's go snap into a slim-jim.
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