Last night I plunged into the shallow cesspool of freshman-frat-bro-level-television-writing that is known as House of Lies.  To say the show is worse than watching Perez Hilton in a one-man-show in which he human centipedes three handicapped grade schoolers would be polite. The show reeks of cool-hunting post-Entourage posturing in a way one million times worse than How To Make It In America and nearly as subtle as every Bud Light commercial you’ve ever fast-forwarded. Don Cheadle plays a character so forgettable and unbelievable that I can not recall his first name or bother to look it up. He plays a smooth-talking ‘business’ consultant who is somehow simultaneously the worst at his job and the best at his job. His team of consultants is supposed to be likable because Ben Schwartz and Nameless White Guy are bumbling and funny (though somehow also good at their jobs) and Kristen Bell has Don Cheadle so like totally pegged, man, with her degree in ‘business’ psychology. Outside of invented plot turns, the supporting cast is one-dimensional at best. The pilot itself downgrades the OWS movement to a minor joke and shows our team not only defending the loan companies for their own profit but prominently twisting the knife in the back of the 99 percent. Outside of the offenses made to the art of television making, thematically, if you are going to set your show in a current and important cultural climate where you can actually say something about our changing environment, and you reduce that to an angry homeless lady with a middle finger, then you are part of the 1 percent. The 1 percent who deserves feces thrown at their homes and their WGA membership revoked. The show is supposed to be edgy and cool but our ‘heroes’ are despicable, unprofessional assholes who couldn’t convince me to buy free pussy. Nothing else is compelling enough to make us care about the crazy, booze soaked world of management consultation because, no shit, it’s management consultation. David Fincher made website coding interesting as fuck, but then again he’s not a no-talent hack. Now I don’t solely blame the creator because who knows how many cooks threw pubes in that stew, but as a completed show it is the most frat-pandering, intelligence insulting, and downright poorly made pilot I’ve seen in years. The score completely turns the show’s serious and fast-paced tone into something that can only be described as ‘goofy’. Completely invented story beats propell us into a strippers and champagne montage, a public lesbian cunnilingus session, an all-out manly brawl, and a gratuitous doggy style shouting match in the back of an SUV. So cool, bro. Unlike Hank Moody or Don Draper, who at times redeem themselves through their fractured yet honest humanity, Don Cheadle’s character is not only a shark and a motherfucker in his profession but in his real life as well. Throughout the episode we see him go to bat for his flamboyantly gay son but when the chips are down and he must actually defend his son’s right to play Sandy in the school’s production of Grease, our main man fucks his only seed over so he can bang the woman who is unfairly ousting the child from being who he is.  There is so much more about this show that is migraine-inducing and I’m upset I’ve discussed it for this long already. Never before have I been so offended by a piece of television. BRB, crapping on my laptop and selling it to Showtime. PS- If you want bullshit consultation terms explained to you like you’re an idiot with Malcolm In The Middle style lens-spiked asides, then you should watch this show. Keep an eye out for the scene where Don freezes everyone in the room, explains to you why the current turn in plot is important like you’ve never seen an episode of TV before, moves away from his co-workers, unfreezes them, and they totally don’t care or notice that he has magically teleported 10 feet! They even track to where he is when they unfreeze! SUPERNATURAL HORSE SHIT.

Last night I plunged into the shallow cesspool of freshman-frat-bro-level-television-writing that is known as House of Lies.  To say the show is worse than watching Perez Hilton in a one-man-show in which he human centipedes three handicapped grade schoolers would be polite. The show reeks of cool-hunting post-Entourage posturing in a way one million times worse than How To Make It In America and nearly as subtle as every Bud Light commercial you’ve ever fast-forwarded.

Don Cheadle plays a character so forgettable and unbelievable that I can not recall his first name or bother to look it up. He plays a smooth-talking ‘business’ consultant who is somehow simultaneously the worst at his job and the best at his job. His team of consultants is supposed to be likable because Ben Schwartz and Nameless White Guy are bumbling and funny (though somehow also good at their jobs) and Kristen Bell has Don Cheadle so like totally pegged, man, with her degree in ‘business’ psychology. Outside of invented plot turns, the supporting cast is one-dimensional at best.

The pilot itself downgrades the OWS movement to a minor joke and shows our team not only defending the loan companies for their own profit but prominently twisting the knife in the back of the 99 percent. Outside of the offenses made to the art of television making, thematically, if you are going to set your show in a current and important cultural climate where you can actually say something about our changing environment, and you reduce that to an angry homeless lady with a middle finger, then you are part of the 1 percent. The 1 percent who deserves feces thrown at their homes and their WGA membership revoked.

The show is supposed to be edgy and cool but our ‘heroes’ are despicable, unprofessional assholes who couldn’t convince me to buy free pussy. Nothing else is compelling enough to make us care about the crazy, booze soaked world of management consultation because, no shit, it’s management consultation. David Fincher made website coding interesting as fuck, but then again he’s not a no-talent hack. Now I don’t solely blame the creator because who knows how many cooks threw pubes in that stew, but as a completed show it is the most frat-pandering, intelligence insulting, and downright poorly made pilot I’ve seen in years. The score completely turns the show’s serious and fast-paced tone into something that can only be described as ‘goofy’. Completely invented story beats propell us into a strippers and champagne montage, a public lesbian cunnilingus session, an all-out manly brawl, and a gratuitous doggy style shouting match in the back of an SUV.

So cool, bro.

Unlike Hank Moody or Don Draper, who at times redeem themselves through their fractured yet honest humanity, Don Cheadle’s character is not only a shark and a motherfucker in his profession but in his real life as well. Throughout the episode we see him go to bat for his flamboyantly gay son but when the chips are down and he must actually defend his son’s right to play Sandy in the school’s production of Grease, our main man fucks his only seed over so he can bang the woman who is unfairly ousting the child from being who he is. 

There is so much more about this show that is migraine-inducing and I’m upset I’ve discussed it for this long already. Never before have I been so offended by a piece of television. BRB, crapping on my laptop and selling it to Showtime.

PS- If you want bullshit consultation terms explained to you like you’re an idiot with Malcolm In The Middle style lens-spiked asides, then you should watch this show. Keep an eye out for the scene where Don freezes everyone in the room, explains to you why the current turn in plot is important like you’ve never seen an episode of TV before, moves away from his co-workers, unfreezes them, and they totally don’t care or notice that he has magically teleported 10 feet! They even track to where he is when they unfreeze! SUPERNATURAL HORSE SHIT.

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