I’m sitting on my couch, recovering from margaritas that were much too sweet, watching Just Go With It starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. And it strikes me that I often do things I do not like. Which is wrong. It’s stupid. And then I think, maybe I’m addicted to disappointing myself. Maybe I enjoy being unenjoyable. This is no way to act. I am horrible. I just yelled at a little girl for being too muggy. I sat in my filth, in my pajamas, in typical squalor, and berated that annoying little girl. Instead of maybe leaving the house and working or creating something or exercising or just eating a fucking fruit for Christ’s sake, Alan. I was evaporating painfully and to top things off Nick Swardson was just YELLING at me. But then something magical happened. I was pulled from the brink much like when Jim Carrey played that Third Eye Blind song in Yes, Man to literally help a dude ‘step back from that ledge, my friend’ (this happened!). Nicole Kidman showed up. Nicole fucking Kidman is in Just Go With It. The cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling was just thick enough to make this appearance rip my brain from my brain from my brain. I packed my helmet with dynamite and lit the fuse when I saw who plays Nicole Kidman’s husband. It’s Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews of The Dave Matthews Band fame. And the best part is that he’s not playing himself. That’s not the joke. The joke isn’t Dave Matthews. He’s playing a made up person. A made up person who apparently invented the iPod but is not Steve Jobs. So, you know, what? And that is beautiful to me. It’s insane and stupid and wrong and beautiful. These shitty movies. What people like. Do I just like this crap? No, I don’t think so. It’s amazing, though. So briefly, with that ridiculous scene, I wasn’t drastically depressed about sitting on my couch undressed watching Just Go With It at noon on a Thursday. Just a little. But then Nick Swardson started up again and I entertained the idea of putting on pants and maybe calling my grandmother this year.

I’m sitting on my couch, recovering from margaritas that were much too sweet, watching Just Go With It starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. And it strikes me that I often do things I do not like. Which is wrong. It’s stupid. And then I think, maybe I’m addicted to disappointing myself. Maybe I enjoy being unenjoyable. This is no way to act. I am horrible. I just yelled at a little girl for being too muggy. I sat in my filth, in my pajamas, in typical squalor, and berated that annoying little girl. Instead of maybe leaving the house and working or creating something or exercising or just eating a fucking fruit for Christ’s sake, Alan. I was evaporating painfully and to top things off Nick Swardson was just YELLING at me. But then something magical happened. I was pulled from the brink much like when Jim Carrey played that Third Eye Blind song in Yes, Man to literally help a dude ‘step back from that ledge, my friend’ (this happened!). Nicole Kidman showed up. Nicole fucking Kidman is in Just Go With It. The cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling was just thick enough to make this appearance rip my brain from my brain from my brain. I packed my helmet with dynamite and lit the fuse when I saw who plays Nicole Kidman’s husband. It’s Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews of The Dave Matthews Band fame. And the best part is that he’s not playing himself. That’s not the joke. The joke isn’t Dave Matthews. He’s playing a made up person. A made up person who apparently invented the iPod but is not Steve Jobs. So, you know, what? And that is beautiful to me. It’s insane and stupid and wrong and beautiful. These shitty movies. What people like. Do I just like this crap? No, I don’t think so. It’s amazing, though. So briefly, with that ridiculous scene, I wasn’t drastically depressed about sitting on my couch undressed watching Just Go With It at noon on a Thursday. Just a little. But then Nick Swardson started up again and I entertained the idea of putting on pants and maybe calling my grandmother this year.